Surviving the death of my first husband.

Barry Cowles
I won't go deep  into details of this " Love Explosion." except that this was one of the lowest points of my life.  Barry was a Army Helicopter Pilot and a Golden Gloves Boxer. He was the Alpha male leader of his group and loved by all. We were inseparable high school sweethearts, soul-mates and deeply in love. He was 20 when he passed..

The Night
The army wives were gathered together that night for an air show and  were honored by our husbands with cobras, chinooks and tracer bullets streaming through the sky. I loved the sound of the large machines in the sky a deep powerful sound, However as the night went on a heavy ground fog set in. I had come with my best friend Wilda and decided to stay at her house until Barry came to get me.. I put a note on his car to tell him where I was waiting for him.,, I woke that morning confused that he never came.. We took Billy, Wilda's husband, into the base and as we entered they called him to the the gate.. I saw him him pale. They escorted me home and gave me the information  that Barry had electrical failure and  lost all instruments and lights and do to heavy ground fog had little hope.

How did I recover?
I didn't.
I stayed in denial that he was gone. I even went through the funeral saying, "That's not my Barry."  I went into a state of shock and my mind gobbled memories and details.

1. Denial 
2. Shock 
3. Crying.
4. Drinking.
5. Leaving all people and the area that brought painful memories,,

It is now 40 years later ladies and I still cry and can still not speak with Wilda, Billy or Barrys relatives because I am still fragile. They have found me on FB and we have friended. The warmth of their presence is good but I still can't be close to them.

Finding "Happy" each day"
It is a challenge each day to Force myself find  "Happy". I found an activity that uses all of my brain so that my brain is forced to not think about painful memories. It causes me to laugh and be with friends,, It's my therapy. I keep a regular schedule of my activity so I don't withdraw and fall into depression. I seem to be drawn to other hurting people and I try to help them heal. hence this Blog.

So  tell me your story and let's see if I can help you  survive a horrible "Love Explosion" because I do understand,, I have been there. 

Men, If you have an experience similar, don't tell me how to recover because I am different emotionally, physically and spiritually. I would like to know how your "being" reacted and survived. Often I wonder if men do not have the safety switches that women have and become suicidal.