By: Kenneth Stepp
Have you ever loved someone you can’t have? Unrequited love. It’s tough. I know. It has ruled a portion of my life twice in the last 28 years. The science behind love and feelings, being rejected, dumped. It’s amazing. If you know me personally, you know I am a science guy.
Helen Fisher, a scientist that has dedicated years of neuroscience research into the chemistry behind love. In her lecture she read the most powerful love poem I have personally experienced. If you have loved someone unconditionally, unlimited, and completely. You will get it.
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“ Fire runs through my body with the pain of loving you. Pain runs through my body with the fires of my love for you. Sickness wanders my body with my love for you. Pain like a boil about to burst with my love for you. Consumed by the fire with my love for you. I remember what you said to me. I am thinking of your love for me. I am torn by your love for me. Pain and more pain. Where are you going with my love?.I am told you will go from here. I am told you will leave me here. My body is numb with grief. Remember what i have said, my love. Good bye, my love, good bye. ”
This poem, by an anonymous Kwakuitl Indian of Alaska to a missionary in 1896, captures the excruciating pain of lost love.
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Powerful words. I call them, words that tug. In her study she found that when a person was dumped, or loved without receiving love back, three things happen chemically. Dr Fisher created Chemistry Dot Com, by the way.
The study was with the broken. People who truly love someone they cannot have. The first thing they found by studying the brain under an MRI, was in the A-10 cells. Activity was found. The significance is, this is where Dopamine is created, a natural stimulant that causes euphoria. It sprays this to many brain regions. This is below where logic and emotions are created. Where wanting and longing come from. This is romantic love. You can lose your sense of self. You cannot stop thinking about this person. Obsession is hatched here. Someone is literally, camping in your head. The last thing you want after being dumped is to think about this person again. Sadly, you just love them harder. You can’t help it either.
The next brain activity was in the region where the brain calculates gains and losses. This is the part of the brain that becomes active when you are willing to take enormous risks. Lastly, they found activity in the area of the brain that causes deep attachment. In summary, you are feeling intense energy, focus, and willing to risk everything for the perceived reward in front of you.
You see. You may not be crazy after all. This is the science of being rejected. This study helped me understand so much. I hope it helps someone else as well. You can Google “Helen Fisher”, and find videos of her lectures. They are rich. Keep your emotions out of the ditch guys.
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