By: Kenneth Stepp
My self discovery is going ary lately. To say the least, it’s getting out of hand. I look in the mirror and see a very undesirable person lately. I beat myself up, more than anyone. I am brutal on myself. When I think of what a girl might like about me. I draw a blank. I just can’t see it. I am a salesman. Old school too. I have always felt, I could sell anything. I have always been a machine when it came to making money on my own. For decades, I paid myself $70k per month. My life back then was different. I bought houses without thinking about finances. Cars too. I believe it was the glue that held my marriage together. As sad as that sounds. It worked for 26 years plus.
Today. I do not have that kind of income. Not even close. I need a girl to want me for me. That sounds like a fairytale. But, without seeing value in myself, this probably isn’t happening. I wish I knew how to change that. Don’t misunderstand me. I have confidence. I still climb in the ring and fight guys younger than my son. I’m an extreme fighter. The illegal stuff. Only one rule. Two in, one out. The fight is over when someone is unconscious. It turns out, I’m good at it. They laugh because I pull my opponent out of the circle and sit with them until they can count three fingers. Nicest fighter they have ever seen. I still have no idea why I do it. I may never know. I am undefeated. Maybe that’s it.
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What causes us to form an opinion about ourselves? I wish i could answer that for everyone. Wouldn’t it be great if there was one answer that worked for everyone? Unfortunately, there is not. Everyone is unique. That is simply our makeup. For me. I had low self esteem when I became single. I had a relationship that didn’t work, I still have no idea why. So, I have allowed this to create a view of me that I wish wasn’t there. Everyone has something. It is not like I am untalented. I can speak face to face with congressmen, senators, judges, etc. I am so confident. Nothing in that arena rattles me. I can be nice, friendly, or strong as an ox. Whatever I need to be.
Do you ever wonder what others see in you? I do. It’s ok to ponder such an issue.I’m not sure how to tell what others think. I guess you either ask, or just study how others interact with you. Hopefully, that will let you know. I have been told by close friends, some ways of making myself a better person. I am so thankful for them.
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I like me. Seriously, I do. I have been wealthy twice. Looking back. I wasn’t that crazy about myself back then. I really figured that when I was broke, by default, I would like me. That didn’t happen. I like me. I just think I would like me better with a little extra money. Or, at least enough. I have always been a huge bread winner. After taking a break, and then diving back in, I am happy with the dynamics of business again. The energy feels great.
Finding one’s self is a journey. I talk about my “journey” all the time. I guess that it’s a lot of little journeys. Enjoy them all people. Life really can be a blast. I’m working on embracing all that. Working on me has been an experience so far. I’m hoping that my self portrait gets better soon. I have a good heart. Is that enough though?
