By: Kenneth Stepp
Have you ever thought something for a long time, but just couldn’t put it into words? This topic is my conundrum. Me, with a hypersensitive heart. There are simply times when I become emotionally numb. At one time I believed I was becoming a monster. I usually care about everyone I meet. I really do. So when I meet a girl. I am attentive. I listen. I care. Yet, as soon as anything happens outside of what I consider, my boundaries. I go completely numb where they are concerned. Numb isn’t part of my personality at all. Well…… Till now, I guess.
I never really know what will cause this. Too many questions, too clingy, too needy, too whatever. Maybe “too” is my trigger. I am sure that because of this new found phenomenon in my makeup, I am missing out on getting to know some high quality people. To be sure. It probably works both ways. If this is happening to me, it must be happening to others. I would love to hear from them if it has.
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The “GAME” Of Dating
Dating at my age has changed. Maybe a better word is “morphed” into a way of life. What came quite naturally back in the day, is completely unnatural now. At least it feels that way. I was listening to a CD in my truck yesterday. Zac Brown’s Goodbye in Your Eyes. The lyrics, Sometimes i feel like a clown, that can’t wash off his makeup. This is how I feel some days. Like I am something I am not and can’t change back. Although becoming numb is a great defense from emotional pain. It also blocks the wonderful people life brings my way, out. I wish it wasn’t happening. If this is a game. I don’t want to play.
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The Road Back
This is not new. It began when my rebound relationship fell apart. I guess it was necessary then. I was in intense pain, deep hurt, and very confused. Lately, and the reason I believe I can put this into words now. I am beginning to feel again. I meet new people and think “possibilities” again. Not always. But some. It feels exciting and scary at the same time. My personality is one that loves scary.
An example is in order. I moved to Atlanta in 1986. I captured a job in a highrise in downtown Atlanta. Building maintenance and they would pay for my engineering school. I discovered almost immediately that I had a fear of heights. My dad always taught us to attack our fears, head on. I began taking lunch on the roof. I had a key. Then I crawled over the wall on a corner. My feet would hang over. But there I would stand. One Sunday, while everyone was gone and I had struck a deal with a window washer. I went to the roof, threw a rope over. And repelled 420 feet down. Problem solve. Now I love heights.
So, you can see that challenges to a person that attacks them with all they have in them. Can be overcome through sheer tenacity and will. I am working on myself. Guarding myself, I guess. But still “going for it”. Protecting one’s heart can keep that person from experiencing life to it’s fullest. I’m searching for a balance myself. How are you doing (not like Joey from Friends)?
