Dating Over 40 & Commitment A Phobia

By: Kenneth Stepp

When I became single again. I could not wait to be partnered again. The other half of a whole. She would be my “Better Half” indeed. And, like the puppy that looks for fun where he is. I found her. The first girl I met. We exchanged hundreds of emails, many phone calls, texts, and had wonderful conversations. We met. We sat at an outdoor cafe in downtown Atlanta and talked for over six hours. It seemed like ten minutes. When I got in my truck and pulled away from meeting her, I remember audibly saying, Ken, you can’t love her. It’s too soon. Of course, I was wrong.

Our second date, and third date were just as memorable. By then, we agreed, the universe put us together. It seemed like it to me. I believe it did for her as well. I remember her telling her daughter, I believe this is your new stepdad. A first for her. Me too. We spoke of forever constantly. I would lay next to her and stare into her eyes. Sometimes for hours. It was as if time stood still while I lost myself in her eyes. Never before had my life been so perfect. Right about here is where the arm on a record album should scratch across it loudly. How can any other girl compare to that? They can’t. She was my rebound relationship. So intense, so powerful. More than anything, so NOT REAL. Most people only think they are in love with their rebound relationship. Unfortunately. That part of it was and is, real.

Well. What’s the correct path from here? Everyone takes a different one. I took many. I tried dating like a madman. A million first dates. Then I tried not dating at all. Then, I tried becoming a hermit. I got a lot more work done that way, but it wasn’t healthy. Now, I am trying to use logic. I realize that type of relationship is doomed. Mostly because it’s based on the impossible. The unreal. Many times I feel like I created her (Susan). Really, I just do not know. For me, I am building relationships that are real, with awesome, not made up. Reality may not be as much emotionally fun. But, it is real. That actually has a chance of working. Unlike dating a phantom.

Commitment A Phobia

Ok. I made that up. Do you like it? This is where I find myself today. With a caveat. I want a commitment. Most who run from it do not want one. I do. I want ME to commit to someone. Right now, I am unsure I can. There is no doubt, I was damaged. I was hurt deeper than I have ever known. I withstood more pain than I thought I could take. They say, whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. I respectfully disagree. I believe it makes you harder hearted. Something I wish had never happened to me. But. Time moves on and so must we.

Hardening one’s heart creates barriers. They sneak up on you. You believe you are the same person. You may be. But you have grown defenses without knowing it. They will tank future relationships unless you realise they are there and at work. At some point, time, processing, and for me, writing will heal the hurt and allow that sunlight to shine in again. There will never be a relationship like that first one. Stop comparing others to that. It isn’t realistic, and is quite unfair. Unfair to both of you. Recently the ice began thawing around my heart. I can feel it. I know it. Time moves slowly, but it is moving.

If you experienced a rebound relationship. Know there is only one of them. Know that “this too shall pass”. And for goodness sakes. Smile when someone looks your way. They might just be the one. And a smile, well. Aside from being contagious. It makes you seem approachable. You can’t get those moments back. Embrace them as they come.